Gotschalk Müler
Gotschalk Müler | |
|---|---|
 | |
| Born | Gotschalk Steban Frídrischsón Müler 28 September 1964 |
| Nationality |  Hendalarsk |
| Occupation | Opinion columnist |
| Years active | 2016-present |
| Known for | Attending hundreds of football matches without ever witnessing either a win or a loss |
Gotschalk Steban Frídrischsón Müler, more widely known as The Locust of Hendalarsk, The Locust or the Golzkreis Raider, is a Hendalarskara football fan and groundhopper[1] who became famous and notorious on IxTwitter in the late 2010s after his followers realised that every single game he attended in the course of the 2016-17 season, even between starkly mismatched sides, had ended in a draw. Further examination of his groundhopping history led to the realisation that Müler had never been present at a win in his entire life, despite having visited almost 1,000 different grounds across Hendalarsk and the wider Vandarch region, and indeed that he had little mental concept of "winning" at all, once remarking to a visiting Fanerian journalist that "it doesn't sound very fair". A joint investigation by Hendalarskara footballing and legal authorities, realising the sheer statistical improbability of such a sequence, first sought to disprove the accuracy of Müler's claims. Upon realising that Müler was telling the truth, the authorities then aimed to uncover links between the seemingly childlike[2] Müler and an array of shadowy Miledásische gambling consortia, before concluding that there was no criminal element to his actions at all and that his record simply constituted a bizarre anomaly.
After he was cleared of any criminal wrongdoing, clubs who found themselves in need of draws actively began to court Müler with the promise of free tickets. As Müler had previously vowed never to visit any ground except that of his beloved Golzkreiser Kickers more than once, many clubs were frustrated in their efforts, while those desperate to avoid draws sought banning orders against him. Since Müler was in many respects a model football fan - an enthusiastic singer and chanter who nevertheless never drank and never swore - these attempts to ban him were invariably unsuccessful. Müler also studiously avoided domestic and continental cup knockout games, as he found the concept of one team being eliminated based on one or two 90-minute performances extremely distressing.
As Müler's fame spread in the late 2010s, teams who learned of his presence at their games increasingly became convinced that they were destined to play out draws, at which point Müler's record largely became a self-fulfilling prophecy. Some of these games were again investigated for match-fixing by the Hendalarskara authorities, but no wrongdoing could ever be proven and the results were instead attributed to Müler's immensely powerful psychic aura. Müler's nickname of The Locust was bestowed upon him by KVS Schotorp-Westerhale fans infuriated by Müler's presence at a game against Golzkreiser Kickers which Schotorp needed to win to avoid relegation - Schotorp were 3-0 up after 79 minutes before one of their players spotted Müler in the crowd, leading to a total psychological collapse and the team's relegation after they conceded three goals in the final 10 minutes and drew 3-3. Other fans soon began referring to Müler as "The Locust" ironically, due to his total harmlessness. He also acquired the similarly ironic soubriquet The Golzkreis Raider in 2019, after a clip of a Wiktoría Alpenmákt[3] fan twice Müler's size being reduced to screaming tears by the latter's mere polite and unassuming presence at an important Alpenmákt game went viral on both IxTwitter and IxTube.
Notes
- ↑ An individual who makes a point of visiting as many different sporting grounds as possible, most commonly association football grounds.
- ↑ Psychologists examined Müler and concluded that he had a mental age roughly corresponding to the median 9-year-old, a detail which had gone entirely unnoticed by his colleagues at Die Golzkreise Seidung.
- ↑ Intercity rivals of Golzkreiser Kickers