Haunted Herald (OOC)

Vol. I, Issue I: Graveyard Unveils new Printing Press

In what promises to be a monumental step forward into the modern world, citizens at the Graveyard this afternoon were privy to witness the unveiling of the Haunted Woods’ first printing press, jettisoning the nation forward to a technological standard akin to about 1475. While absent from the ceremony, the Phantom Guide has promised the superstitious and fearful denizens of the nation that this new medium of communication will usher in a new era of printed words, news, stories and information.

Many in the capital rejoiced at the news, as did many who were leagues away since this was the first time they had heard about the news regarding a printing press. “This truly is a joyous day,” said one local farmer.

“Oral tradition is dead. I don’t even talk to my young children anymore. Long have we been dreaming of communicating effectively and efficiently, our words preserved ad infinitum long after we pass on at the ripe old age of 35.”

As with any technological achievement that reached the outside world roughly 600 or so years ago, some citizens are skeptical. “We’re going to have to learn how to make paper if we want to operate this contraption,” complained one local miller. “Factor in that we’re too terrified of the forest to cut down trees for paper, and the fact that not a damn one of us knows how to read. I personally don’t understand all the fuss.”

“Seriously,” he continued. “I don’t understand what a printing press is for.”

Vol. I, Issue II: Scientists Re-Discover Fire; Remember Why They Forgot About It

In an announcement that sent shockwaves through the scientific community, a coalition of the smartest and most-well respected scientists in the Haunted Woods were excited to announce this morning that they had recently discovered the lost secret of renewable and sustainable energy – one which, according to scholars, was once described by ancient denizens of the nation as the most potent, powerful and primordial force in nature. Taking a cue from the ancient texts, the scientists dubbed their discovery, “Fire.”

“We know very little about fire at this point,” claimed one of the scientists, who was present during the moment of discovery. “What we do know is that it’s hot. It’s also very bright. We’ve learned through trial and error that it is inadvisable to stare directly into it and tests are currently ongoing as to whether or not it is safe to handle the fire.”

He later added, “So far, we have determined that no, no it is not.”

However, the situation began to deteriorate rapidly after a failed attempt to move the fire. Within hours, the entirety of the nation’s scientific community (all 17 of them) had been what local law enforcement dubbed “burned alive.”

“At this point, we have learned the hard way that mankind simply isn’t ready to make such a drastic leap into the future,” said the local police chief. “We rolled the dice. We played God. We lost.”

After hearing of the accident, the Phantom Guide issued a press statement declaring that to prevent any future fire-related catastrophes, the scientific community would be shut down and disbanded ad infinitum, a process that went into effect immediately without resistance since the scientists were already dead anyway.

It is unclear who gave the scientists dice to roll in the first place. Investigations are ongoing.

Vol. I, Issue III: Nation Voted “Most Popular Tourist Destination” by Committee that has Clearly Never Been Here

The nation was in shock this morning to find out that the Haunted Woods had been voted one of the world’s most popular tourist destinations by the World Census, a group who has clearly never been to the Haunted Woods.

“That sounds lovely, but what the hell is a ‘World Census’?” asked a local farmer mere moments before being bludgeoned to death by a group of feral 10 year-olds.

A majority of citizens of the nation, none of whom have any knowledge of electricity beyond random lightning strikes or medicine that doesn’t involve amputations and leeches, were surprised that the rest of the world thought so highly of their nation. 100% of them also agreed it was equally, if not more surprising, that there were people beyond their borders.

“How are people coming here to visit anyway?” said a mill worker who had no concept of airplanes, ships, automobiles or trains. “And where are they coming from? The woods? There’s nothing in there but wild animals and monsters.”

“And a few of those are my own children,” he added.

Further investigation revealed that all alleged 3,336 net tourists per hour immediately returned home upon setting foot upon the shores of the Haunted Woods. Reasons cited were often the incalculable number of rotting corpses, the overwhelming stench of pestilence and disease, the complete and utter lack of society, perpetually-burning forest fires and the general feeling of overwhelming madness.

“I came for the Medieval Faire, which is renowned as one of the best in the region. Everyone was so dedicated to staying in character,” said one tourist, fully unaware that she wasn’t at a medieval faire but actually in the middle of an ordinary day full of chaos, misery and superstition.

At press time, the alleged tourist had been burned at the stake by the locals for speaking in tongues by asking, “Is there a coffee shop around here with some free wifi?”

Vol. I, Issue IV: Nation Voted "Most Primitive", Whatever That Means

In news that didn’t surprise a single person at all, the Haunted Woods rose to the forefront of regional and worldwide rankings again when it was announced this morning that the nation is one of the most primitive in the entire modern world.

Citizens all around The Haunted Woods, all of whom neither understood concept of gravity nor stood a chance at even spelling “gravity” were delighted to once again receive recognition for simply surviving through the night against the terrors that lurk in the shadows.

“The world is finally being acknowledging our nation’s accomplishments and contributions,” said a local gravedigger who, like all citizens, would proudly testify before a jury of peers that the earth was flat and one could fall off of the edge.

“At last, it’s our time to shine,” said the proud citizen of a nation recently ranked as having the most eco-friendly government, simply because their idea of solar power comes from “that bright thing in the sky.”

“I can’t wait to one day tell my grandchildren about where I was when I heard the news,” said a merchant in the country where the oldest living citizen was 39 years-old. “And then, one day when they’re 13, they can tell their children about it too.

The Phantom Guide, the undisputed ethereal leader of the Haunted Woods who is claimed to lead anyone who sees him to certain unspeakably gruesome death in the woods, was unavailable for comment.

“Our revered leader is probably off spreading the good news by horrifically invading the nightmares of everyone still sleeping,” said a local homeless man.

“That’s why I don’t sleep anymore,” he continued.

Vol. I, Issue V: Against All Rational Odds, Nation Voted “Happiest” and “Most Armed”

The Mayor of the Graveyard issued a press release this morning to announce that the Haunted Woods had been declared to overwhelmingly contain the happiest citizens in Ixnay. Grinning ear to ear with pride, the mayor went on, claiming the results of a survey to be the crowning achievement in his long, fruitful political career, mere moments before bludgeoned into an unrecognizable pulp by chain-swinging kindergarteners.

“I’m stoked to hear the news! We all knew that with the power of positive thinking, we’d continue to be recognized for our great achievements!” said the leader of an unruly mob of feral preschool dropouts. While chain-smoking a pack of cigarettes, she added. “I can’t wait to tell my mommy! B*tch owes me money and I need to take it out on her knees.”

To celebrate the occasion, the capitol revealed a new weapon that promised to change the way denizens of the Haunted Woods pillaged, plundered, pilfered and purloined from one another by unveiling the new “Gun” model, which is allegedly guaranteed to change the hustle and flow of gang violence. Gun dealers quickly found themselves out of stock as they were immediately robbed by smiling patrons.

“This new ‘gun’ changes everything I’ve grown to know and love,” said an unwed pregnant teenager as she knocked out the teeth of one of many potential fathers for her fourth child.

“I just kind of wish it did something else, like launch projectiles, instead of being a little more than a glorified hammer,” said the girl who, like the rest of the nation, was utterly unaware of the existence of bullets.

“I can’t wait to show my boyfriend,” she added happily.

Vol I. Issue VI: Nation Admits Drug Problem; Promptly Checks into Rehab

An announcement by the World Assembly this morning shed light on the rampant drug problem plaguing the Haunted Woods. Calling it a “sobering wake-up call” the Haunted Woods immediately packed up and headed north to Jakrelia to check itself into a rehab facility this morning.

Admitting to its close friends and family that this wasn’t entirely a surprise, all 7.1 billion addicts took enough clothing to be comfortable for a 90-day extended stay in its northern neighbor, hoping the 1.4 billion Jakrelian citizens wouldn’t mind the Haunted Woods checking into a single outpatient facility.

“What started as just some fun after school with some buddies lead us down a dark, unforgiving path,” said a local teenager. “It was supposed to just be something to do, you know?”

Growing up, the Haunted Woods wasn’t without its fair shares of tragedy. After the nation’s father went out for cigarettes 11 years ago and never came back, it wasn’t long before the Haunted Woods had succumbed to peer pressure and began “smoking that wacky tobaccy” and “snorting the Devil’s dandruff” with increasing frequency.

“We’re just glad that Jakrelia cares enough about us to call our problem out for what it is, showing enough concern in front of the rest of the world that it was ‘coming for us.’ Well, not this time. We’re done being fished out of the gutter – if we’re gonna make it, we need to stand on our own 14.2 billion feet.”

The Phantom Guide, sovereign supreme of the Haunted Woods, was unavailable for comment after sliding a note under the door of neighbor New West Kazomal asking the nation to feed its dog while it was gone.

Vol. II, Issue I: Nation Prepares for Universal Reboot; Disappointed at Lack of Costumes

The Graveyard: As fire and brimstone consumed all of Ixnay, leaving wonton destruction in its devastating wake, the people of the Haunted Woods gathered together in preparation for what they hoped would be a nice reboot, a la the "New 52” event by DC Comics, which they had never heard of.

“I expect this new universe to hold true to the tenets and foundations that made Ixnay great, but I’m also excited to finally draw in some new readers,” said an illiterate local farmer. “We’ve ostracized the fans for a little too long, and our origins are simply the product of a different generation. It’s about time we refresh the atmosphere for a younger demographic.”

Spurred into action as the other natives were erased from existence as if consumed by the Anti-Monitor, all 7.8 billion citizens spent their final hours wrapping up loose plot points. Not all actions were received positively, however, as many of the citizens decried last minute changes to the characters as lazy writing by talentless hacks.

“There was no need to kill off Ishmael and Sterns like that,” complained one local curmudgeon who couldn’t even pronounce “Ishmael” properly. “They had a great dynamic. I swear, the guy they brought in to finish their character arc hasn’t read any of the established material.”

“Total amateurs."

The first new release of the Haunted Herald was met with mixed reviews by critics. Positive notes included an engaging opening sequence, beautiful artwork and an established but fresher feel to its flagship characters and settings. Negative responses decried the rehashed plotlines, departure from source material and canned humor.

While unavailable for comment, the Phantom Guide issued a statement that overall he was pleased with the new direction of the publication and looked forward to seeing if the authors were going to address his “secret origin.” However, sources later confirmed that he was not pleased to see the writers had opted to revisit the Odonerun plotline.

Vol. III, Issue I: Nation, Inside Pizza Shop, Orders Delivery

THE GRAVEYARD: In an unpredictable turns of events unforeseen by any politician, the entirety of the Haunted Woods brazenly went into a local pizza establishment and ordered itself dinner - for delivery.

Noted for its progressive politics and large amounts of freedom compared to the rest of the region, never before has any nation attempted what can only be described as a "forward-thinking" and "revolutionary" deep-dish piece of legislature becoming law. Sources from all sides of the nation's capitol say that such a brash move had been considered nothing more than mere rumors for months, only to take shape this early evening.

"I can't believe all 9.7 billion of us pulled it off," said a local sheepherder, who doesn't give a damn about some new kind of RP population rules. "I mean, all of us walked in, looked the kid at the counter dead in the eyes, and told him we were ordering for delivery. We watched him ring in an order for a large double pepperoni and large philly cheesesteak pizza, and we he questioned us to make sure we wanted it delivered, we dropped the hammer and told him we would not be swayed. You should have seen the look on his face."

While many celebrated the delivery order as a victory over cultural status quo, some believe it's simply too soon to challenge the social norms and established conventions of the Haunted Woods. "The kid said it would only take 8 minutes, couldn't we have just waited? Or ordered from the app?" asked a local carpenter. "We still need to pick up some beer, and now we have to race home to make sure we're there to answer the door."

At press time, the Phantom Guide was unavailable for comment, but a spokesperson praised the citizens of the Haunted Woods for, "not ordering any of that Hawaiian bullshit."

Vol. III. Issue II: Research Team Makes Landmark Discovery of “Really Cool Rock”

THE GRAVEYARD: After months of exploring and excavation, a team of the nation’s top researchers have confirmed their finding of what they describe as, “the coolest rock you’ve ever seen.”

Unveiling the discovery before a nationally gathered set of news correspondents, the rock in question is, without a doubt, one of the coolest rocks ever seen in the entire world. Measuring approximately 4 inches (10 centimeters [medium-ish by THW measuring standards]) long, the rock has proved to be a landmark discovery unparalleled in smoothness, roundness and really cool kind of gray color.

“What we have here is going to propel us into a first-world, futuristic age of post-modernity,” said the research team leader, showing off the rock to an enclave of proud citizens. “What you look around at the rocks of other nations, nowhere else will you find one that’s as bitchin’ as this one.”

An official statement by the team followed, noting key features such as, “Like, look at it, it’s almost a perfect circle,” and “We thought we saw one like it one time but it turned out to be ugly on the other side so we threw it away.”

Ignoring the fact that the researchers initially set out to test a theory about how long it takes to dig only half of a hole, citizens have felt a surge of national pride following the discovery. A local witness described the announcement, claiming, “This event marks a singularity for our nation. There’s no turning back now. I mean, unless someone finds a perfect sphere or someone carves one themselves, there’s never gonna be a more kickass rock than this one.”

Added the witness, “And making one is totally cheating, so it wouldn't count.”

While unavailable for comment, the Phantom Guide issued a statement that the location of the rock’s discovery would remain a closely guarded national secret, “In case there was another one,” and “[Those] asshats won’t even put [The Haunted Woods] on the map, so it wouldn’t matter anyway.”

Vol. III, Issue III: Nation Remains At Large

THE GRAVEYARD: A spokesperson for the Greater Ixnay region called an emergency press conference today to address an issue of grave concern – that somehow, the Haunted Woods was still eluding all topographers of the region.

The last known whereabouts of the almost 10 billion downtrodden, technologically backward and surprisingly superstitious citizens of the nation confirmed that three weeks ago, the nation had stopped at a gas station in Urcea. Security footage showed the entire population going inside, purchasing a pack of cigarettes and a few candy bars before climbing into an unmarked white van and continuing down Highway 27.

Greater Ixnay’s top criminologists have attempted to find a pattern the Haunted Woods’s movements, but thus far remain baffled by the nation’s erratic behavior. “One minute they’re in Kirav, the next they’re in Kuhlfros. It’s a geological and sociological impossibility. We have boots on the ground that say they’ve been spotted making out with a woman named Shirazz at a local strip club in Yytuskia, but are getting conflicting reports in that they’re at a McDonalds in Karaginsky.”

“Equally baffling, we don’t even know if there is a McDonalds in Karaginsky,” the researcher added.

Reasons abound for the nation’s inability to be properly mapped and catalogued, including inconsistent and semi-connected plotlines delivered solely through press releases, refusal to play by standard regional RP rules, and often contradictory statements released about what type of nation they truly are. Coupled with no interest in playing along with others but still demanding to be included “only when it’s funny,” the nation remains an enigma.

“There’s a general consensus among the community that the Haunted Woods actually has absolutely no idea what it’s doing, or even where on the map it would like to be,” confirmed one of the leading researchers. “I mean, are they even people? I heard they were all skeletons or plague victims, but only sometimes. Their currency is listed as a ‘corpse’ so do they actually sling around dead bodies for money? If you see this nation anywhere, we urge you to contact your local authorities. Trust me, you’ll know them when you see them. We’re pretty sure they don’t know how to work a phone – or even what a ‘phone’ is – but apparently, this time, they can drive a stick shift.”

While unavailable for comment, a press release from the Phantom Guide confirmed that the nation planned to take up permanent residence in the most comically inappropriate place in the region as soon as the damn map makers can get their act together.

Vol. III, Issue IV: Nation Recognizes Gay Marriage

THE GRAVEYARD: At approximately 11:45 AM this past Sunday morning, representatives and senators across the nation officially recognized the gay marriage of James Conrad, 35, and Ethan Watson, 32, in Siebold’s Bar & Bistro during a routine brunch.

“It was pretty clear to everyone who saw them that Conrad and Watson were gay, and that they were married” said Senator Alvin Thorne. “I mean, there’s nothing wrong with it. Our complete absence of all laws and legislature in this nation means they certainly weren’t doing anything wrong or acting against any social constructs, but dammit I’m just glad I was finally able to recognize it when I saw it.”

With no established infrastructure, able to seamlessly and easily change from issue to issue, and a predisposition to ignore established continuity, the Haunted Woods had yet to weigh in on an actual topical issue.

Senator Thorne immediately pointed out the gay couple to his wife, Emily Thorne, who also went on record saying that she recognized the marriage. “That’s absolutely a gay marriage. I’ve had my doubts in the past, but not this time. I recognize it for what it is.”

However, not all members of the previously-unmentioned congress were in agreement. Representative Carol Fuchess would not be deterred as she sipped her mimosa on the bistro’s patio. “That is absolutely not a gay marriage. Look at them – they both ordered the spinach feta frittata. No married couple orders the same thing at brunch; they’d simply split two different entrées if they both wanted the same thing, as dictated by tradition. Senator Thorne doesn’t know what he is talking about.”

As lines began to get drawn on both sides of the quaint bistro, with both Senator Thorne and Representative Fuchess calling their friends to come in and give their opinions, a third party began to grow more vocal, led by Representative Norman Jenkins. “Look, it’s clear that Conrad and Watson are gay – the leather anklets, seersucker capris, unique but not ostentatious gold wedding bands – their sexual orientation is as obvious as Watson’s pink feather boa. However, I cannot in good conscience claim that those two men are married to each other. They could simply be friends or neighbors enjoying brunch together without their respective partners.”

The issue of recognizing the gay marriage was finally closed when Conrad’s parents joined the brunch with Mrs. Conrad presented Conrad and Watson with novelty “His and His” bath towels. Senator Thorne and his camp stood up and applauded loudly, patting each other on the back. “At last, we as a nation can absolutely recognize that marriage between those two gay men. It won’t be easy moving forward, but I’m glad we’re taking steps in the right direction. I told you Carol, you outdated fossil!" the Senator shouted across the small restaurant. "I told you they were married!”

Representative Fuchess declined to comment further, but her office issued a statement saying that “[Thorne] hasn’t always been so eager to recognize gay marriage in the past,” nothing that time when he claimed that two obvious lesbians were just “making-out as friends” even though they were both wearing wedding gowns and standing in front of an altar.

Conrad and Stevens continued to enjoy their brunch in peace, despite how the restaurant was packed with over 983 members of congress staring at them intently.

Although unavailable for comment, a press statement released from the Phantom Guide claimed the nation’s ethereal leader had no stance on gay marriage because after departing the mortal coil of this world, everyone's soul becomes gay anyway.

Special Edition: PRESS STATEMENT: HAUNTED WOODS DECLARES WAR, "WE'RE JUST DRUNK ENOUGH TO DO IT!"

The Graveyard: As hordes of the undead ravage the great region of Greater Ixnay, the Phantom Guide has issued a press statement just now, having downed exactly the right amount of scotch to still type coherently and still be able to read the words on the screen.

Unusual activity began early this morning, when the nation awakened in time to prepare to embrace its thematic nature when citizens noticed, yet again, they still weren't on the goddamned map.

"So what if we never play? So what if it's been over a month since our last publication? We have one single printing press and, like, 10 billion people to distribute to! The comically high illiteracy rate of the nation means the majority of our citizens can't even fill out their subscription forms correctly, much less know they even have an address. We've been trying to deliver this thing for weeks!" said a Graveyard spokesperson. "But who cares, right? We had one simple request. We just wanted to be included, so that we could publicly ignore every facet of said inclusion!"

Many citizens shared a similar feeling, as if (this time) they shared some kind of weird, collective hive-mind. "We wont' stop. Since no one can accurately point out where we are and therefore effectively coordinate against us, we'll continue to wander the region biting people, pets, and trash cans indiscriminately."

"We refuse to live in such a world. Actually, we basically refuse to live at all. The solution isn't military force with some kind of cure missile. The solution is to acknowledge us and our location. The attacks will cease when our demand is met."

As press time, the people of the Haunted Woods were viciously biting a dumpster.